Let The Cartoonish Offense Of High-Level Adult Slow-Pitch Softball Wash Over You

Bored by baseball's lack of excitement? Too proud to associate yourself with professional wrestling? Have I got the sport for you!

Invented by Meatloaf in 1994, high-level adult slow-pitch softball blends intellectual strategy with raw power in a way no other sport has before or since. 

First, players must be at least 6-foot-4 and 245 pounds or between the ages of 39 and 53. The best meet both criteria.

If strength and age aren't enough to command your respect, keep in mind these men dedicate their lives to participating in glorified home run derbies, and it's certainly not for the fame.

The game itself is a cartoonish version of the baseball you know and loathe. Most hits are either home runs or just shy, and every player has the ability to blast a pitch out of the stadium. Like legitimately out of the stadium

Pitchers wear safety masks while catchers make idle conversation with the umpire. Outs almost always occur by accident--either through base running errors or infuriating pop-ups.

But the beautiful strategy stems from home run limits. Because teams are only allowed to launch 16 (or so) into orbit each game, maximizing runs is essential. Monster solo shots--celebrated at every other level of play--result in fuming giants lumbering around the bases while teammates shake their heads in disgust.

(Imagine a basketball player pounding his fist in frustration after draining a three pointer. It's so absurd you have to love it.)

Stumble upon a high-level adult slow-pitch softball game on TV and chances are you'll see 12 runs before the third out. In fact, there has never been a 1-2-3 inning in the history of the game.*

Which brings us to fielding. With so much focus on power hitting, flashes of leather are few and far between. Most guys are Nori Aoki in Ryback's body, which means soft liners to the gap always have inside-the-park home run potential.

You might be thinking, "If big jacks are so easy to come by, why don't these guys just play regular baseball?" It's a great question for which there is no real answer. All I know is there's a void in your life and you don't even realize it. Seek out high-level adult slow-pitch softball and let the offense wash over you.

"Bah gawd, King! Why tha--why that's Team USA's music!"

"Bah gawd, King! Why tha--why that's Team USA's music!"

Seems true, anyway.